Archive for March 2014

Responsibility.   1 comment

Someone made an incredibly ableist, bigoted, horrible comment on a very good post about how ADHD is harder on us than it is on the non-ADHDers in our lives. (I would say fantastic but there is some ableist stuff at the beginning about wheelchair users. Don’t worry, the blogger has been informed and responded really well to the criticism; I think I love her now.) This post is basically a response to that comment, which I will not reproduce here because I would need to ask permission first and I don’t particularly want to be in contact with this person directly. But I am going to try and respond to the comment’s points in the order they were made.

ADHD is a neurological condition (not a chronic illness; I am not “ill”) in which our brains simply do not work the same way as the brains of non-ADHDers. It is not our fault that our brains function differently.

[The comment makes comparisons to alcoholism and depression here and I am very uncomfortable with such comparisons, so I’m not going to do that here.]

It is important that people who have ADHD take responsibility for themselves and their lives. Explore treatment options, learn coping mechanisms, and develop and implement techniques and methods that help us manage our symptoms. When things don’t work, we need to be responsible and make changes and figure out what didn’t work and why, so that we can get things going again. Blaming other people is not a thing we usually do; blaming ourselves, on the other hand… incredibly common.

I have taken medication. I was diagnosed in February 2005 and took Concerta, then Dexedrine, then Strattera, then Dexedrine again. I stopped taking medication in 2008. In 2010 I started taking Adderall, and I took it until July 2013. I stopped because the medication was giving me indigestion and causing me to hyperfocus and giving me anxiety. And amazingly enough, the systems I had implemented while taking Adderall held up to the lack of medication. I have now been med-free for eight months, and I am doing really well.

I do not have a job outside of my home. I am a housewife and I work from home. This was necessary due to anxiety and how completely working decimates my executive functioning. Add to that my introversion, and you have someone who really needs to be alone a lot of the time anyway. I have used alarms, I rely on my day planner, I have routines in place to help me stay on task and get stuff done.

Here’s the thing about ADHD: even medicated, even with all of the strategies in place you can think of, even with all of the “fluff” taken out of your schedule (and then what fun is your life?), even with all of those things in place… ADHD is inconsistent. The only consistent thing about my ADHD is its inconsistency.

I lose track of time really easily. This is a hallmark of ADHD. Time is not concrete. I set alarms, I write things in my day planner, and I aim to leave at least half an hour before I need to be somewhere because it takes half an hour to get to the city from my house. In fact, I plan to leave 45 minutes to a full hour early so that when I am actually heading down the driveway it might actually be half an hour before I need to be wherever I’m going. That strategy doesn’t always work, of course. And when it doesn’t, I try to text or call my friends who I am going to be late for (same with babysitting). I don’t have to worry about appointments because I make them for during a weekday and I spend the entire day in the city so that I can be on time for the appointment without having to worry about that half-hour drive.

I don’t lose my car keys because I keep them in my purse. When I didn’t carry a purse, I kept my wallet and keys in a bin by the front door. Most of us have these systems in place. When we do lose something like this, it’s because our system got disrupted somehow. We dropped our keys or got to talking to someone on the way into the house and put them on the counter instead of the bin by the door and then the mail went on top of the keys and they’re missing because looking underneath things is hard.

ADHD is well-known, to be sure, but it is absolutely not well-understood. We have to deal with jokes about squirrels, comments about how we’re just making excuses, articles by doctors about how ADHD doesn’t exist, and diatribes like the one I’m responding to. We are doing our best. We are trying as hard as we can. We are being told, at every turn, that we are lazy, that we are incapable, that we are incompetent, that the label that helps us understand ourselves is fake, that the medication we take to manage our lives is unnecessary, etc. etc.

“Taking responsibility” for our disability (yes, it is a disability for most of us, please don’t pretend otherwise) means trying everything and still failing. It means that sometimes we are going to have to say “I’m sorry, my ADHD makes that really hard. I’m working on it.” It means that sometimes we need your forgiveness and understanding, because we did our best and everything fell apart anyway.

Because, frankly, listening to you tell me that I’m just making excuses doesn’t fly in polite company. It is disrespectful for you to assume that you know all about my life and how I manage my disability. You need to understand that when I have an ADHD-related “oops” that is not me thinking that “I’m soooo special and important and my time is soooo much more valuable than everybody else’s so just put up with me!!” [I quoted that bit directly. It was too perfect to illustrate this person’s attitude.], it is my ADHD choosing to bugger things up so that I look irresponsible.

I am not irresponsible. I am the complete opposite of irresponsible. I am not inconsiderate, either.

What I am is a person who has ADHD.

And that is not an excuse, it’s an explanation.

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